Before you read this blog please know these things:
1. I see the irony in it
2. I was not the adult
3. I am going to try and make ammends
These revelations came out in my quest to become a better human being. I fail most days, but given the chance I'll try harder to do better.
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The Happy Humpers pushed my last button. They had friends over and were outside for dinner and drinks most the night. I started writing around 5:30 and didn't stop till 10, so I was pretty occupied. Around 11 two people come out to the HH's front porch and start arguing...not having a disagreement, flat our arguing and yelling. About 5 minutes into it I go downstairs, flip on my porch light, step outside and say "Ya'll need to take that somewhere else". Well, the very petite female half of the HH's comes over full of spit and vigor "itching to say what she's been itchin' to say" for months now....I have a problem with you.
I notice as soon as she is ALL up in my personal space that not only is she shorter than I thought, she's a whole heck of a lot drunker than I thought as well.
She started with...I have a problem with you. It bothers you that I have loud sex?
Yes, it bothers me you are loud.
Why did you embarrass my boyfriend and tell him and not me that you had a problem with it?
Cause you weren't home.
Why didn't you knock and say oh I'm sorry, your girlfriend is the one I need to talk to?
Cause you weren't home.
And what did you tell him?
I...
What did you tell him?
I...
And just what did you tell him?
Are ya gonna let me finish?
Yes, just tell me what you told him.
I asked him to please keep the noise down at night.
And another thing - you're upset that I have sex three times a week - if I'm lucky ? (her emphasis, not mine)
No, I'm pissed because you are SO LOUD (and yes I cupped my hands and yelled that at her). I'm pissed because it's like having to listen to porn - and I'm just not into that.
I'm lucky if I have sex three times a week and it lasts for more than 5 minutes and you have a problem with that?
At this point I'm thinking - oh, I hope her boyfriend didn't hear that the 5 or six times she just repeated it.
No, I have a problem with how loud you are - I have to live here and get up very early...
I have to live here too and I pay the same amount you do...
And I'm thinking - oh you have an adjustable rate mortgage too? How odd.
And I'm not married to that man, he's my boyfriend...
I don't care.
And if I only get to have sex three times a week - five if I'm lucky and it doesn't last more than five minutes...
And I'm thinking - I really wish you would stop saying that.
And now you come out here telling me my sister is too loud - I hate you, I have a problem with you.
I don't care who she is, she just needs to take her argument inside.
You really embarrassed my fiance...
I'm thinking - wait, did I miss something? Fiance?
And you should have come told me (insert head movement here) that you had a problem with me (insert finger pointing and head movement here) when it only last five minutes.
Let me add that she felt compelled to show me the number five on her left hand as if I would then understand the quantity.
You're right, I'm sorry for not telling you directly and I'm really sorry it doesn't last longer (she ignored my comment) and oh my are you delusional.
And I have spoken (insert spittle flying at me here) to two police officers and asked them about the (air quotes) noise ordinance and they say as long as it's not past 10 and doesn't last for more than five minutes than it's ok.
At this point I'm thinking - yeah, you've rehearsed what you've wanted to say to me for a while and made your escapades fit just "below the ordinace level" so to speak to make me seem like the unreasonable one.
So I tried to end it with - ok, next time I'll call the police...
But she broke in with - good, I can't wait to be as loud as I can be!
And I'm thinking - you're probably not going to get that chance after spouting off his inadequacies so frequently...and loudly if I do say so myself - but I refrained.
So I tried to pipe back up with I'll just call the police next time, but she broke in with...
How about you just record me next time? (I think to prove to her how loud she really is)
No, that's really not my style. Ok fine, I'll call the police next time and thank you for coming out to get your sister.
Then I turned to come in.
Overall I think it went well. We really opened up the lines of communication and I can see a bond forming down the road...BFF's really.
I don't know...what thoughts did you all have when reading this?
First thought...HOW did you keep a straight face!
ReplyDeleteSecond thought...Party at Caryn's. I think we should all get together at your place and test the noise ordinance.
You handled that with more grace than I would have. I know you know but I'll say it anyway it's not you it's her...'ol gurl got some demons. Her boyfriend,fiance, minuteman is worthless someone shoulda reeled her in. Sounds like all your other neighbors went conveniently deaf or someone else would've been out hollerin' to keep the noise down.
That's it! Pack your bags you're heading to Texas!! ;-)
I am impressed with your self control by not just falling down laughing. I now almost pity your HH. After sharing that kind of personal information with you, (drunk or not) you most certainly are BFFs. I was thinking, perhaps you need to teach your boys to howl when the activity begins. That would certainly have to add to the already existing ambience of the space.
ReplyDeleteMafia? Who needs the mafia when I have ladies like you - I'm loving the way you think...it's a bit disturbing, but I'm loving it. :)
ReplyDeleteI had another friend recount her horror story of a wanna be thug who played bass filled music for hours on end, and what she did to "fix" it. She had an electric keyboard with demo music on it, so she turned it up as loud as she could and left it running while she went to work. When she came home there were police waiting and she used the same lame excuses her neighbor had used...he finally got the point. Oh - and the music choice? Hello Dolly.
I am still laughing. Ahh, how I miss the old hood! You are so lucky, there is nothing exciting like that going on in our nieghborhood.
ReplyDeleteWell evidently every neighborhood has a requirement of "ghetto fabulous" people...
ReplyDelete