11.06.12 Salmon, Faith, and Testimony...

I enjoy the gift of revelation in unlikely people, places and things. Last night it was in a movie - “Salmon Fishing in the Yemen”. There is nothing in the title or story line that made me think - yes, I will deeply connect or be even mildly entertained by this, but I love being wrong.

At my core...in my heart of hearts...there is a need that wells up from time to time which says - someone, somewhere needs to know “this”. And I say that because I believe there are fundamental things which new believers should be told about following Christ - I mean come on - let’s go into this with our eyes wide open! Fundamental things...foundational things. When you choose to build your life on foundational truths, then you start with a floor that you simply can’t fall off of. A floor...that you can’t fall off of. Love it - and thank you Jeff for giving us the words for that truth!

The truth? Faith is possible...and there will be times when you don't realize it's something you already possess.

So the movie...a wealthy sheik has a genuine desire to bring salmon fishing to the Yemen. He states that his love for the sport became real when he realized “fishermen don’t care if I’m brown or white, rich or poor, wearing robes or waders - all they care about are the fish, the river, and the game we play. For fishermen the virtues are patience, tolerance and humility.” Don’t even get me started on the revelation in those two sentences... 

The scene I want to focus on came at a critical point, when at the dinner table the sheik, the sheik's financial advisor, and the “fishing expert” are talking about the project. The expert, from the beginning, has doubted even the possibility that the project was logical, much less possible. He states that it’s more of a  “feasibility study” rather than a “working plan”. Don’t even get me started on the revelation of the main characters and purpose of the project... 

Advisor But you said it was theoretically possible.

Expert Theoretically.

Sheik Indeed, it would be a miracle of God if it were to happen.

Expert I’m more of a facts and figures man myself.

Sheik You’re not a religious man?

Expert No, no I’m not.

Sheik But...you’re a fisherman Dr. Jones...

Expert I’m sorry, I don’t follow.

Sheik How many hours do you fish before you catch something? Dozens?

Expert Gosh, hundreds sometimes.

Sheik Is that a good use of your time...for a facts and figures man? But you persist. In the wind, in the rain, and the cold - with such poor odds of success. Why? Because you are a man of faith. In the end you are rewarded for your faith and consistency...with a fish.

Don’t even get me started... There is a pause, and the sheik say’s that respectfully they must agree to disagree on his apparent lack of faith, or that the sport of fishing even requires faith. Allow me to connect the dots...

Faith, when it’s looked at as a big picture concept {like establishing salmon fishing in a desert place}, is indeed overwhelming in every facet for someone who, from the very start of it, does not believe that it’s even possible to possess something that is not tangible. On this point we must agree to disagree. 

Faith is a huge concept, yes. But God doesn’t call us to be overwhelmed and disheartened, and to just accept all things. 

He calls us FIRST to have, to cast - faith, the size of a mustard seed. 

He calls us to have a measure of faith to take one step. His faithful character is such that when we do, He will start a work in us that He promises to finish. That’s what I love about God - He makes faith possible. 

When I profess with my mouth the doubts in my head and heart...God, I don’t know if I have even that measure of faith; I don’t think I have the heart or the strength to take even one step; God, you won’t understand; God, you can’t forgive me for this; God I’m just a lost cause.... 

And I put up those self-imposed roadblocks...I can’t understand the Bible; I don’t have the time; Why would He ever care about someone like me...   

Don’t wait for me to call it out - you know what your doubts are. Your list is lengthy and solid I’m sure...I know mine was. But aren’t you done yet? Living this life like you’ve been run over by a Mac truck...in this constant state of exhaustion and hopelessness? I was there once. 

In the span of four years we built a house, changed jobs, moved to a new state...and subsequently, my marriage then fell apart, I assumed my own mortgage, changed industries/jobs again, my vibrant, life-loving father passed away from a life sucking disease, and my financial status took a nose dive. I was living in what could only be described as a state of "naked and raw”. I felt as though I was lying in the pit of “no chance for hope” and remember saying “this is just my lot in life - the way the rest of my life is going to go...I somehow made this life bed and now I must lie in it” and I accepted it as truth...for a while. 

Then one day it was like God said “No more. She has been sifted long enough and you, Satan, no longer have authority. She is mine and I declare no more. I call her Daughter. I call her beloved...and she has answered with the faith of a mustard seed.” And He showed up. And prayers were answered. I don’t know that I could, in less than 100 pages, state those two facts any more precisely or truthfully, or with any greater measure of confidence. He simply showed himself as faithful in the midst of “even those” circumstances. 

I didn’t tell you those things to hinder or discourage you. I told you those things to speak out my testimony...because it’s time to give a real life example of how God took this concept of faith and turned it into something possible...and it was a lot less painful than I had imagined...and it became life changing...and hope-giving.  

Take your list of roadblocks to Him and have the measure of faith the size of a mustard seed. He is faithful...the Creator of the universe who holds all things in His hands, and has YOUR life before Him at all times, and never grows faint or weary...give that list to Him, and share that list with someone for the sake of prayer - I volunteer!! I volunteer!! Give me that opportunity and privilege to serve God through a life of intercessory prayer. 

I have lived in that pit of unbelief where that first thought was “I don’t even know where to start believing in you God"...and He was faithful.

Until next time Beloved... 

10.16.12 My Heart Will Trust In You...

I had a sweet time with the Lord last night and this morning, so I wanted to share simply because I know I am not the only one who feels this way...I can't be.

One thing about my faith that I consistently struggle with is being in a relationship with an unseen God. The very notion of a relationship denotes there are 2 people actively involved in a life together, who talk...every day, laugh at how funny life can be, cry, celebrate, and huddle closer when something ugly rears its head and challenges our love or beliefs in one another. But slowly the truth is unfolding that this relationship is something that is real and tangible; and for the last two days it has become even more vivid in a whole new way.

The First Way...

I went to a friends house for dinner and was excited to catch up with everything that had happened since I saw them the week before. In the midst of talking, two very animated daughters came out to join in our conversation. But this time something welled up inside me and I moved to block her girls from coming any closer. I said “I have not seen your mother in a week, so I love you, but go find something else to do until dinner”. They protested, but I stood firm (and I wondered if I had just overstepped my boundary)...it was not easy for either of us to do. That unlocked a teaching moment from God, and a door for her and I to be able to just enjoy being with one another.

I came home wondering why that had happened, and in fact woke up thinking about it. I sat down on my couch after breakfast and closed my eyes for a moment and had this picture of Jesus standing inside my house at the front door, one hand on the door and the other on the doorframe - and there were people looking inside at me as I sat on the couch. He lovingly said to them, “I’m sorry this is my time with her” and without another word shut the door. How quickly my mind said “But there’s not really anyone clamoring to spend time with you, is there?”...and I said no. But Jesus said - maybe not people, but what about things? Ouch Jesus. You mean all that stuff I choose to do before I spend time with you, or choose over spending time with you? Ouch.  

It was a truth served with sweetness. In that moment He became so very real to me. He showed me how He felt about me, and what my actions looked like to Him. In that moment He became my protector - the one man who will guard His time with me and consider it a priority. This morning I accepted that in my head AND heart. 

And Another Thing...

Over the last week I have begun conversations with people, which always seem be cut short by someone or something. For a person whose love language is time, it has about put me over the edge. Sunday after service I was enjoying a conversation between friends, and hoped that it would continue for a while...and in the midst of something fun and sweet we suddenly all felt the need to leave because we thought the pastor was hinting for us to leave. But what truly hurt my heart was that for whatever reason none of us tried to keep the conversation going, but instead just accepted it. What was that?? Was that the enemy stealing from us? Was that us not standing up for something good that was happening? Was it our feet answering our stomach's growl?

But here’s the two fold lesson, general speaking. First, when I don’t try to force something, and yield for God’s timing to have its perfect work, then what comes out of that is a bazillion times sweeter than anything I could have hoped for. Second, the unseen Jesus remains to this day beside me always, and He is that red faced jealous lover of my soul who wants to talk with me with the same longing I had to continue those two conversations with friends. When that truth hit me I was simply blown away. And He became that much more real to me. 

My prayer is that He will continually show Himself in sweet ways like this - both allowing me to walk it out and being shown the truth in a situation. I pray that I yield to the strength of that lesson so that my heart turns a corner and I can stand on the truth of what I know. I want to live expecting that He will become even more real to me, right up to the day I get to stand before Him. He’s an incredibly creative God, and one that I can trust my heart with...it’s good to be me. 

I’ll walk closer now on the higher way
Through the darkest night will you hold my hand
Jesus guide my way
O you mourn with me and you dance with me
For my heart of hearts is bound to you

Though I walk through valleys low
I’ll fear no evil
By the waters still my soul
My heart will trust in You

O You counsel me and You comfort me
When I cannot see,
You light my path
Though I walk through valleys low
I’ll fear no evil
By the waters still my soul
My heart will trust in You 
My heart will trust in you

08.16.12 - Remember Me...

I had a sweet few moments with God this morning and wanted to share because it encouraged me. 

It started with a quote from Kelly Minter in her Bible study book, Nehemiah. She states that the gift of remembering the things that God has done in your life - the ways in which He has been faithful - is like compounding interest for your faith. My faith is increased in the times I remember  what He has done for me. I intentionally took the time to do just that. 

The remembrance that Kelly speaks of comes at a sweet point in Jewish history - they have returned to their city, rebuilt the walls & gates back up, identified it’s true citizens, and have started celebrating their festivals again. In this moment they are renewing their covenant and speaking back to God (remembering) the ways in which He has been faithful since the time of Abraham. It has been sweet to “walk with them” through this process, and to participate in a practical exercise which reminds me of who God is. What I came to see was that their examples concurrently define some of the characteristics of God! I believe that God does not change. If He was this God 2000+ years ago, He's the same God in 2012. I know there are many times in my life when I have tried to change His character and put Him in a box that I clearly define...but that doesn't mean His character has changed...it means I still have much to learn. :) 

Nehemiah 9: 9 -15

You saw the affliction of our fathers in Egypt

• You see everything thing that happens.

And heard their cry by the Red Sea.

• You hear me always. 

You showed signs and wonders against Pharaoh, Against all his servants, And against all the people of his land. For You knew that they acted proudly against them. So You made a name for Yourself, as it is this day.

• You show me who you are in power and might & gave me chance after chance. You know my heart.  

And You divided the sea before them, So that they went through the midst of the sea on the dry land

• You make the way and You protect me. 

And their persecutors You threw into the deep, As a stone into the mighty waters.

• You are my defender. 

Moreover You led them by day with a cloudy pillar, And by night with a pillar of fire, To give them light on the road Which they should travel.

• You lead me in right paths and You will be with me always. 

You came down also on Mount Sinai, And spoke with them from heaven

• You still speak today.

And gave them just ordinances and true laws, Good statutes and commandments. You made known to them Your holy Sabbath, And commanded them precepts, statutes and laws, By the hand of Moses Your servant.

• You have covered me under a New Covenant through Jesus Christ, but at no point in time have you not made Yourself known in every way possible.

You gave them bread from heaven for their hunger, And brought them water out of the rock for their thirst

• You are my provider. 

And told them to go in to possess the land Which You had sworn to give them.

• You have given me authority to live out my life moving from glory to glory. You have made your river of grace deep and wide. Your peace can not be matched and Your love can not be fathomed. I have an inheritance in You, not in this world. 

I think I needed to hear this and to be reminded because in the last few weeks I have seen and heard many things which could cause me to question Him and my faith. Even when I waiver, God does not. He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow...and in that I can find peace and rest to spite my circumstances. In that I can find a great love which accepts me just the way I am in this moment, but will never be satisfied with leaving me that way. He calls me to live the 2 Chronicles 3:18 promise out in His strength and power: But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord. 

Keep Your Peace & Don't Forget To Be Awesome!

08.02.12 And Pride Reared It's Ugly Head...

Um, ouch...

In these last few years I faced the reality that pride has been my most egregious trespass in life so far - and there was a rather hefty list to choose from. It was most ugly to discover even back then, but I had an even more horrific realization as to how bad it was just last night when an former co-worker posted her opinion of Facebook about the day’s “hot topic”. What was prideful about it? I felt I had the right to shame her for her beliefs, make her explain them until I was comfortable & convinced she had no idea what she was talking about or believed - and on top of that, had the right to criticize her for it. I can be one hot mess at times. 

But there’s more????

Here is what’s redeeming about that horrible moment...it became an opportunity for me to learn from it and realize that I had nothing to do with the redemption. Romans 2:4 in part says...”the goodness of God leads you to repentance”. His love and goodness helped me to see I was out of line, am getting the chance to learn from it & am given the opportunity to publicly apologize, and somehow...some way...God will turn this into a “good thing” in my life. I believe this because I have seen my other mistakes redeemed. 

I - am - so - sorry...

To my friend (at least I still hope so): I am sorry for trying to shame you for your beliefs. For asking you to explain them until I was comfortable & convinced with it. And for criticizing you for it in the process. There are things we don’t agree on, but I did not have the right to do anything other than state my beliefs and leave it at that. I will do everything in my power to do it “right” the next time. 

And another thing...

If you’re a friend of the one I offended my guess is that you’ll stop reading right about now when I throw God in the mix...but persevere. 

Last night became an opportunity for God to speak (and yes I believe God speaks today, once audibly to me and every day in the way of my conscious and even sometimes others!) - Caryn, you’re pride is rearing it’s ugly head again. 

It became an opportunity for me to receive His admonishment, then want to confess my sin and repent - Ooo, you saw the comments I made last night, didn’t you? And even worse, you knew the true state of my heart when I said them, didn’t you? Yeah, I really blew my testimony last night, didn’t I? I didn’t love her like You would love her, did I? I didn’t ask You the reason for her comments, did I?

But what I DID do was...

And another thing - because He is the final authority in my life, He chooses to teach me how to become more like Him. He led me to want to search out the characteristics of pride and their consequences according to His infallible word, so that I recognize it faster next time. 

And it gets better...

My favorite part of making a mistake besides the lesson? He’s showing me how to be intentional - which was “the word” He gave me to live out for 2012. I’m being intentional in seeking out what He has to say, and not waiting for the world at large to call out what they think my sin is, or for the world at large to define it.

I messed up...

I am more than willing to confess my sins first to God and then to the one I hurt...it’s almost never easy, but terribly, terribly necessary. I do not believe posting about my sins is a necessary part of true repentance, but in wanting to be “a transparent follower of Christ”, I’m happy volunteer some of my “crazy” up for scrutinization. Why? Because what I truly loathe is when I realize that my words and actions don’t match. A good example - I say I am a follower of Christ, then pick and choose stuff out of the Bible to believe or not believe. It drives me crazy...and I’m the one doing it!! But I digress.

Here’s what I DO believe...

I believe God is calling everyone to be “all in” or “all out” because of Revelation 3:16. “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth”. His mouth is a metaphorical reference to the place where divine authority and judgment come from. I’m still studying this out, so for now all I can say is this: I would rather be “all in” and failing at it knowing that my salvation is secure and be judged that way in the life I live out in eternity, then “all out”, cast from His presence and paying for it (and my other sins) eternally...I truly believe there is a difference but I don’t know how to express that in a loving and kind way - at least not yet. It would come out terribly condemning and my guidebook to life (the Bible) tells me in Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit”. Conviction for my sin? Absolutely - but not condemned and left with no hope. 

My desire is this...

Posting about those moments when I blow it keeps my faith, three very important things, - which I think people who don’t believe in God, or Jesus Christ, are looking for in someone who “calls themselves a Christian”. I’m willing to believe that we look for these three things as believers and non believers, but we especially look for them under the microscope in “a Christian”.  They want me to be transparent, real and relatable...heck I look for those things and strive to BE those things for my own sanity!

Transparent - I want you to know & believe that as far as I know my own heart, I’m not trying to hide that I made the mistake and I am willing to own up to it. 

Real - I need for you to know that I deal with the same flesh issues, confused mind, and vile mouth that every human deals with. It leads me to ask myself though - how does claiming to be “real” help define me as a Christian? Might be the next thing I study. For now though, I still believe it’s important that someone sees I struggle with the exact same stuff they do. But let me add this - we might struggle with the exact same thing, but God is calling my life to be & look different so that others can see Him in me. I’ll explain this more in the last 2 paragraphs. 

Relatable - I believe in the whole “I have been there and done that too” testimony. The best example I can give is a general one because I have seen it time and time again, but don’t want to share a friends “past” and give a specific example without their permission. So...I meet someone and in the process of getting to know them, they become transparent, real and relatable about their past...and my mental jaw is hanging on the floor. I simply can’t fathom that after knowing this person for any length of time that they are describing themselves because they appear so “normal” now.  

And...

By the absolute grace of God there have been 4 people in just this last year who have looked at me and said - you’ve changed...and in a good way! They knew me a year ago, five years ago and even as long as 10 years ago and they see a difference in the way I talk and act. They see a difference in my eyes and on my face and in the way I “carry” myself. And when I get home I weep because there are some days I don’t feel any different. 

I weep and I thank God, who took me from being eternally lost, bitter, angry and vile - to someone who can laugh at herself in a healthy way, has peace to spite my circumstances and loves better now than she did 20 years ago. That’s not me accomplishing anything in MY abilities or “power” - that’s the power of God working through the heart of me. That’s God tearing me down and putting me in a raw state of emotions and desolate in anything that looked like a “belief system”. Then He started building me back up  - first with a foundation that is solid, real, unshakable and can never be lost. Building good walls up so that I’m “in this world, but not of it”. He’s showing me how to guard my heart in a good way, teaching me through His word the way to live a life with true freedom, and most importantly how to love - and love well. 

It is a truly painful process at times - and that transformation process will last until He returns. Why do it then? Because the God of the Bible, is God - whom I serve, and He is love, and He loves greatly, and is kind, and full of grace which allows me to repent and try again, and full of mercy which is abundant when I get it terribly, terribly wrong and He could smite me because of it. This world offers a counterfeit to all of those things, but in Christ I will be know by the fruit I bear, and that which is “true” is what people will respond to - the change that He made happen. 

And so I leave you to go study pride with a truly apologetic heart for getting it wrong yesterday. 

“Keep Calm & Don’t Forget To Be Awesome”

07.20.12. Brothers & Sisters...

See more of my 2012 adventure photos on SmugMug 

My sweet friend asked me the other night if I was tired of fielding questions about my recent trip to Russia. In fact, I had not shared much other than the 30 second “It was AWESOME” rendition since I arrived home. The first few days back I have have been laid up in bed with a bought of allergies that could warrant an elephant useless. I think that maybe it was a good thing, albeit completely annoying. My brain has had time to slow down (translation = stop), process, be thankful for everything that I experienced (even staying an a hostel *shudder*), and it has given me time to start to define this “new perspective” I’ve been wrestling to find words for.   

The Foundation...

What I’m about to share is a seemingly random but distinct memory which catapulted me into writing today’s post... 

He Planted The Seed 20 Years Ago...

My family owned a Baskin Robbins so as you can imagine I spent most of my time working in the family business. One summer evening we were particularly busy but I remember a group of people coming in and they would refer to each other as “Brother” so-and-so, and “Sister” so-and-so. I thought it was odd because from a simple glance you could tell that none of them were related. I think God tucked that memory away so that over 20 years later after returning from my trip I could say “I get that now!!”.

My Dilema...

For the record, I have one sibling - a brother. I can remember my Mom recounting what she told my Dad after my brother and I were born “Gene, we have a boy and a girl and they don’t come in any other sexes or colors for us, so we’re done”. Ah yes, the heart of a mother. Having that moment tucked away in my psyche meant that on the faithful night I heard people calling each other brothers and sisters, it was just going to remain an - ok whatever, you’re my ‘brother’ - kind of concept to me. 

Fast forward 20 years. 

My Family Is A Lot Larger Than I Thought...

But the Bible says in Matthew 12:50 that men and women who are believers in Christ can in fact call each other brothers and sisters. Jesus defines what qualifies a true “brother” by saying “For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother.” I believe He mentions the term mother because she was in fact, part of the story. I do not believe He was calling all women to in fact be (act as) “my” mother...although He has blessed me greatly in that area and I love it! It’s a pretty fantastic promise: when we become followers of Christ our definition of family is suddenly expanded to infinity - to everyone who was a believer, is a believer and will become a believer. That’s something worth pondering. Think about setting THAT table for Thanksgiving dinner! 

Give Me A Moment, Please...

Allow me just revel for a moment in the idea that that He would provide the opportunity and funds to send me thousands of miles around the world to experience the “expansion” of my family through spiritual brothers and sisters. BLOWS MY MIND. 

A Second Foundation...
So let me set the scene for you. It’s our first full night in the country. After having a few good hours of sleep, we arrive at the prayer room, where musicians were setting up to play worship music for a few hours. Word had gotten out that anyone was welcome to come worship. We got a brief tour of the building, met the pastor and staff, and were sitting in the kitchen huddled around a table drinking tea. The conversation begsn when the pastor was asked how his church came to “be”. The story that unfolded was amazing. To me it was this beautiful mix of a man resisting God’s will for his life at first, then as he laid it down God began to use him mightily...and the favor of God is evident in his whole endeavor. A 10,000 SF church is now standing within the city limits...on a hill...whose architect was led from Norway to this city to donate the skills of his profession. Don't ever try to tell me that God can't move mountains. 

The conversation continued on, but at one point I looked around and thought “Why am I here God? The group of men and women who gathered for this trip all have a pretty solid idea of what their purposes are, but what about me? I just said yes I would go, and have continued to hound You for a purpose until this moment!  God if you sent me here then there must be a reason." I stepped away from the table and went out to find it. I walked into the prayer room, but all ll I knew to do was to pray and take pictures...that’s all my heart felt qualified to do. I sat in the back of the room for a while, then sat on the floor when the room started to fill, then stood in the back as even more made their way in throughout the night. I felt God stirring me...but for what?

What He Revealed...
I believe what He allowed me the freedom to do over those two weeks was to capture people in their moments of pure worship and fellowship. I kept my camera at my side and the music was loud enough to silence the “click” of the shutter. Some people were leery of me when they saw the camera, but they would ask me something in Russian and watch me do the “let me look frantically for a translator to help explain” eye dart and head movements, and realized I was just one of the American’s who was visiting...and had not taken the time to learn a few simple Russian phrases...and no ulterior motive for taking their photo.

I only asked people to pose when the situation called for it - like to capture a “team photo”. 

What I Learned Was...

The rest of the time I moved in and out of the crowds hoping to be ignored, watching people as they worshiped. And it was beautiful... 

And what I learned was that they laugh and cry and sing and pray just like we do. Does that seem silly to say? I guess it’s never really something I even considered. Moving beyond that, they prayed to and sang to and cried out to the same God we do. The same God who knows the English language and is present in our worship is the same God who knows Russian and is present in their worship. The same God who knows every dialect past and present and knows each of His children by name. And deep calls out to deep, and we came together simply as believers to worship the same God. The same God who sees His children living in oppression in Russia, is the same God who sees His children living in oppression in the United States - even when oppression is called by a different name...corrupt government, unemployment, addiction, sickness, a fatherless generation. 

So What Now?

But if it’s deep calling out to deep - what is He calling us to? The phrases I felt Him repeating to me time & time again as I watched the people sing and worship were...

Be who I created you to be.

Worship how I created you to worship.

Be you. 

Be free. 

The music would start and this house of worship would start to take form. Some would sit back and let the music - as my pastor likes to say - “wash over you”. Some would lift one hand as if to say “I need to receive the truth of this song”. Or two hands as if to say “I surrender”. But whatever it “looked” like, every heart was saying the same thing - “You alone have what I need God...I have come to worship the One who was, who is and who is to come...I need to feel Your presence and I want to know how real You are. I want to know that you hear my prayers. I need to know that you know me.” 

For Me...

I don’t measure the value of time spent in worship by the tears I cry...or what words I cry out to him in anger and hurt and fear...or by the freedom I feel when I’m telling Him how thankful I am for all that He has done and will do in my life.

I do measure the value of time spent in worship by what comes next. I appreciate those moments for all that they reveal about my relationship with Him...even when He identifies the dark and hidden places in my heart that He wants to reveal and heal...even when I spend two weeks frustrated...and even in those moments that inspire me to sit and write about His love for me. But those moments - as much as they make me know how real He is and how loved I am - can only take me so far. It’s what I do with those moments that brings change and hope and life alive.

I believe that saying yes to God about this trip flung open a flood gate in our relationship. I believe that in the moment He gave me boldness to say yes to the complete unknown, that I changed as a person. He gave me the opportunity to experience a  family I never knew I had, and that I never knew I needed. He’s still stirring me to write about more from this trip, but THIS is the first thing that has simply overwhelmed me the most since I’ve been back...it’s good to be me. 

Only God could take two weeks of not speaking or understanding the language or words to a song, or what was being spoken in prayer (other than through a translator) and make my heart at peace. It was simply enough to go and worship and pray along side my brothers and sisters in Christ...He transcends all language barriers and fear.     

For the service they put up the words to the song and I thought "Oh good, I can sing along now...not so much!"

My Fear In Writing This...

I’ve struggled the last few hours with the horror that the friends and family who supported me would read this and say - “THAT’S what you needed $2500 for...to ‘see a family you never knew you had’ - are you kidding me???” I’m not saying they would, but it was a fear of mine. The only answer I could give would be - YES!!! When I say that I am thankful for God’s favor and the financial support, it’s nothing more than an understatement to what my heart feels. 

But Prayer Squelched That Fear...

In addition I could feel the prayer coverage from the time I left until the time I returned, and that is no joke. How do I qualify that?  

• My mind was in a state of complete peace. 

• My heart, although it was full of questions, was at peace as well. 

• My body was in a fantastic state of health. I did not have one migraine in two weeks. And it was in a fantastic state even when my ankles were swollen like softballs because I could still walk and stand. And even when I fell on one knee - which took the full impact of my body weight - and I didn’t have one broken bone or any bruising. 

• A friend from the states reached out to me in two really critical moments and said - You’ve been on my heart all day. What’s going on? And after I told her she prayed and my heart was again at peace.

• And it came in the words of encouragement that were spoken to me by several of my new sisters in Russia. You know who you are. Each time you came over your words were exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. If ever there was a time in my life that I could look back on and KNOW beyond the shadow of a doubt that God hears my prayers, and that He loves me enough to speak through someone...these two weeks are it. 

THAT is the power of prayer. 

My hope...

As I unpack this trip through my blog and pictures, I hope that it will stir in you a desire to simply ask - what can I do?. His answer to me was simple - go. I went knowing only that He had given me confirmation and the funds to go. I went knowing that even after asking Him time and time again, I went with no vision or plan other than to help as I could and to pray. I said yes, and with that a new level of hope has emerged. I love the expression that you can’t “un-know, un-see, or un-hear something”. So if He flung open this door, then 1. it’s for a reason and 2. it will give me hope which sustains me until it’s time to act. And my promise from His is that the hope He gives me never fails. 

On a seemingly side note, I will say this. Several months ago I took painstaking hours to write out what I thought the “ideal job” would look like - everything from location to actual job description, to pay, and even health benefits. Put that same task in front of me today and it would go from a few pages to one simple sentence: Photograph and document teams of on-fire followers of Christ on trips around the world. Just "putting that out there".  

The final thought I want to leave with you is a quote I saw on the wall of the TNT Hostel in Moscow. I didn't appreciate it in the moment my friend pointed it out, but I truly can appreciate the sentiment and directive now...