03.14.11: I Don't Want To Go...

I’m going to share one of the most personal things about myself and how it relates to a  song called “I Don’t Want To Go” by Avalon. I think maybe I put off writing about something so personal because I didn’t know how to translate “a whole lotta hurt” to “a whole lotta joy” for you...and remain faithful to the title of my blog...Caryn’s Life Rocks!!! But God is good...and by speaking truth and giving all the glory to Him...it simply can’t be held in any longer!!

I heard this song for the first time just days after my husband said “I want a divorce...marriage shouldn’t be this hard”. Insert * gut blow * here as well as my response : “Who the hell told you that lie??” Just being honest... 

After that day God spent an unquantifiable amount of time (translation = I dare not tell you how long) stripping away everything...every...thing...that I had placed my “faith” in. Let me just add that the concept of time includes: as long as, as much as, to the degree which it is necessary...um, ouch!  

First let me say that I had NO idea...what real “faith” was. Nor did I truly grasp that God wanted to be in a one-on-one relationship with me...but I was wearing that “I’m a Christian” label like it was my own custom design. Every day He shows me another facet of FAITH - a new depth, a new height, a broader vision, a simpler version...it’s amazing. 

Second, let me say that I truly believe God did it this way because of who I am and how I learn. Some people don’t require this much work, but I did...do...did...ok, do. He chose the way that I would best understand Him and His purpose - to show me that He is enough and that nothing I had put my faith in was worth holding on to. You may also think - wow, I would never follow a God who did something like that! Yeah, I can understand that too...but not now. My heart and mind back then, were in a dark place saying “To hell with you God!” and all the while God was saying “To Heaven with you Caryn”. (Thanks Kay Arthur for that quote!!) 

But let me assure you in this moment - to spite the fact that it was painful...and humiliating...and daily I cried out for Him to take away the pain - I can tell you with absolute assurance...deep down inside my heart and mind I can be - and am - most grateful for every lesson...every pain...every tear. I found solid ground in His promise that if I walked THROUGH the valley WITH Him, that what waited for me on the other side (the life that I’m living right now) would be filled with peace and joy...and MY GOD...is faithful...and abundant. 

Third, my “faith” was displaced in the “things of this world” so subtly that when God started to deal with me bit by bit - even I was shocked at what I believed. Without going into great detail, the “realization of the Enemy’s subtlety” is the #1 reason I stopped watching television and listening to secular music. 98% of what was being pumped into my head, heart and mind was pure...simple...subtle...lies. The Enemy doesn’t have to move mightily to get a foothold in your heart and mind - and I say that from experience!!

So after those realizations & when I cried out to Him for help...it was from that place where I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt - I could no longer live without being in relationship with Him. When I heard this song I clung to every word until it became part of me. It’s what committed me to church and kept me believing that to spite the fact I was 100% broken - He WOULD build me back up. For me, this song was simply life changing. 

You changed my world...

when You came to me.

You drove a passion...

in my soul, down deep.

Lord to follow you in everything...

I don’t wanna go somewhere 

if I know that You’re not there -

Cause I know that me without You is a lie!

And I don’t want to walk that road...

be a million miles from Home...

cause my heart needs to be where You are...

so I don’t wanna go

So come whatever...

(Whatever may come)

I’ll stick with You...

(Right by your side)

I want You near me...

Call me crazy or a fool.

For forever I promise You..

I don’t wanna go somewhere 

if I know that You’re not there -

cause I know that me without You is a lie!

And I don’t want to walk that road...

be a million miles from Home...

cause my heart needs to be where You are...

so I don’t wanna go...

Without your touch...without your love - filling me like an ocean.

For your grace is enough - enough for me!

To never want to go somewhere if I know that You’re not there...

And here I am a many years later loving this song for a whole other reason, from a whole new mountain top perspective...same words, different Caryn - and honey, the view is freakin’ beautiful!!! BE ENCOURAGED!!