For the last week, I've been getting use to a very ugly truth...my house is now minus my sweet faced, loving and stinky-breathed Jack Russell Terrier named Dudley. I had to put him down on the 14th for a severe health reason. We were together 13 years - which, quite frankly, doesn't seem possible. I'm gonna miss my sweetie pie, kissing the top of his head, and his antics which were easily taken in stride or forgiven when he would spoon with me at the time of HIS choosing. :) Lots of baths...I mean kisses...from him too.
Gut wrenching because I had to make a decision that I didn't want to make, and one that I didn't think I was capable of making.
Gut wrenching because I felt so compelled to keep asking his forgiveness if it had to come to putting him to sleep....to which he burped in my face, no joke. I took that as an "I will forgive you".
Hopeful for a couple of reasons. When I asked my friends and family to pray for me they did. And they did so in such a way that only a moment of fear was present when it came time to put him down. It was quickly replaced with a sense of comfort, protection, safety and of love...a great feeling of love.
Hopeful because I was privileged to hear so many personal stories of personal loss and the reminder that "joy comes in the morning" and "this feeling won't last forever". So many offers of "I wish I could be there with you" and "I'll be there with you if you want me to". And on and on...it was indeed a time to be humbled and thankful for the people that God has put in my life.
I learned that a new strength will be given to me if I'm willing to walk THROUGH the valley and trust Him. And that God sees each and every tear I cry...and he remembers them.
I learned that being prayed up on God promises to me and to EVERY believer is the best weapon to defeat the Enemy who is out and willing to steal, kill and destroy you when you're at your strongest and weakest - without a second thought...and believe me he was on me like white on rice throughout that day. But protection and provision won out...thanks be to God!!
In hindsight this was indeed grieving the loss of "my child" - and I am most thankful to have the kind of friends and family who understand that and accept that my feelings are real and valid. It was also taking a step with God in a way that He knew I would understand and remember when the next valley comes.
While there are many wonderful things that happened, there was one very real "oh crap" moment that I have to confess. There is a sense of embarrassment and humility that goes with this confession and I'm not proud of it. I do feel it's a great example of taking a look back at your life and realizing your mistakes, learning from them and asking for forgiveness.
This is to the two L's of my life. My reality use to say that losing a parent was the worst hurt one could ever experience and that losing a pet, while greatly loved, could not compare. My reality now is that after dealing with both type losses they are simply just two different types of losses, neither one great than the other...just different depending on the dynamics of the relationship. Does that make sense?
My two L's have not dealt with the death of a parent but they have both experienced the loss of a different kind of loved one. My "oh crap" moment was realizing how insensitive I had been to them both and a deep regret that I had in no way offered them the support and love that they offered me this past week. For that I am deeply and regrettably sorry. By that same token I am thankful that you love me to spite myself sometimes. Thank you for 25+ years of friendship, love, forgiveness - and hopefully forgiveness...yet again.
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